Running makes you feel like
your soul is too swollen for your body to hold
like there is some higher power
like when the night is so magical you dig your nails into your skin
to keep yourself awake.
It makes me think about how much I love people
and despise the conditions that make them hurt–
like I’m sorry for all the times I looked in the mirror and saw
two shapeless lumps I wanted to resculpt with a knife and an eye for destructive perfectionism.
Because now, I don’t think there are any two lumps in the world that can carry me
to all the places I want to go/will go/have to go.
I think about how my life is a slow dance on egg shells
as I move from one song to another, feigning grace and elegance but
always fearful of the day where I might
And then people will look down on me and pity me and maybe they will disdain me and maybe they
will completely ignore me and maybe…
We are all driven by fear.
I run until I leave the familiar roadblocks behind
I kiss the edges of the Crash—
clasp my fingers around the burnt rubber glass fumes
that cry out for all the crooked boys and girls who just wanted to breathe
the intoxicating fumes
I entertain the idea that there’s a place out there where
people go out with a bang rather than slowly waste away.
They say sixteen is just a child with an acquired taste for defiance
but I say sixteen is when all the pieces of your life are finally coming together—
the age when innocence is stolen from you but your idealism is still left intact,
when the universe falls but all that matters is that you are still in love
with everything that has broken you
I don’t know why silence has to be awkward.
I don’t know why people would rather burn than light themselves on fire.
I don’t know why even though people can’t help but hurt each other,
people still need people like a wolf needs the moon and a masochist needs pain and a poet needs poems.
My lungs heave—each contraction setting free a thousand fears.
Being strong is just another way of being broken.
Maybe that’s why I run.
*sorry, the line breaks got all messed up in this one 😦 hopefully, it does’t affect your reading!